going with the flow
when i get my head into something, make a plan, i get crazy about carrying it out exactly how i set out to (note: this does not apply to unfun activities like vacuuming or folding clean laundry). there are obvious limitations to this, but my mind just plain doesn’t wrap around that. if it doesn’t get what it wants, its pissed. i’m pissed. this is one of those personal growth things. i just need to get over it and go with the flow instead of feeling upset or guilty (yes, i was raised catholic…sort of) if things or LIFE doesn’t go as planned. i think this whole endurance festa i have thrown for myself in 2010 has the potential to turn me into a real freakin basket case. i’m extremely conscious of this and i plan to do my best to learn and grow. (pretty mature of me, if i do say so myself.) (also funny and unlikely,) (but who am i to laugh in the face of a learning experience?)
if you have seen my ‘training plan’ you have had a quick glimpse into my compulsiveness. i have had to force myself not to fill out the calendar past march, but i’m not sure i can hold back much longer. if i make it to the middle of february, i’ll be happy.
but, things come up, experiences, people and life comes up. saturday i had a chance to grab a massage with the squeeze. (it was INCREDIBLE) afterwards i chose to ditch the workout and enjoy a nap, hot bath and my book instead. and while i loved giving myself over to relaxation, i confess that i couldn’t get the missed miles and swim out of my head. by the end of the day it was only taking up a tiny portion of my mind, but it was there. i need to let go. to go with the flow.
monday, i. could. not. motivate. i couldn’t even motivate to stretch. all i wanted was some homemade pasta sauce and ravioli with several pieces of fresh bread. and a glass of red. by the time i started at the glass of red, i had pretty much let go of the missed day.
yesterday, i had 5 miles with speed intervals. but roosk’s schedule was different this week and she was doing 5 too. so i ditched the counting to 60 over and over again (which is how i measure an interval…crazy technical, i know) and we had a great run and a chance to chat and catch up…which we needed. i don’t need the intervals. i do enjoy them, but when i set out this year, my goal was to get the miles in. and we did. and it was way more enjoyable than counting to 60 over and over again. there will be more intervals. thursday doesn’t have anything specific tied to the miles, tuesday did. SWITCH!
i’m TOTALLY goin with the flow, no? does it count that i am recording going with the flow? or is that just not going with the flow at all? okay, okay, but one step at a time here. its hard to just ‘turn off’ psychotically anal.
i hope to be able to continue to curb my crazy. to not get so caught up in what i compulsively plan to do because who gives a hoot if my plan is achieved down to every detail. i’m happy if it gets achieved at all. maybe one day i’ll allow this brilliance to carry over into my personal life…then again, maybe not.
what i’m learning, just a few short weeks into this ‘training’ (i don’t know why i keep using quotes because training is in fact what i’m doing), is that not only will this be a mental challenge to complete, but it will be a mental challenge to complete in a mentally HEALTHY way, you know, without going totally mental.
i’m always looking for ways to improve though, so i spose chipping away at the crazy is a good way to start.
